So...I usually don't post about these types of things. I try to keep this blog about my children and their daily activities, but I felt the need to vent and maybe when my children are older this vent session will help them in some way.
When I first got pregnant with Brenna I was asked if I was going to breastfeed. My immediate reaction was NO!! I was 19 and very uncomfortable with the idea of latching a child on to my breast, and the thought of doing this in public mortified me. There was no way it was going to happen. My own mother, who formula fed, said she thought I should give it a try. My brother was always sick as a child and had severe ADHD and other issues. I think my Mom felt guilt for my brother's issues and her not breastfeeding might have been the cause (her words). So anyways, when my Mom told me too think about it, I partially did, but I was still not comfortable with the idea. I had NEVER seen a child being breastfed. I didn't know any mother who breastfed. I had no education on the subject.
When I was about 5 months pregnant, Wyatt told me that his cousin Kristen BF and that they were talking to him about it and all the benefits. First of all, I was interested because Wyatt was. Second of all, I was interested because another young Mom did it. Not only did she BF, but she was proud of it! Hmmm...Maybe this was a possibility?! Then I saw CNN with Angelina Jolie and she BF. Now I am VERY embarrassed to admit that a celebrity is what encouraged to me BF, but it was part of it. So now I knew BF was an option. I still wasn't convinced.
At my 38 week appointment, I met the woman who would eventually deliver both of my children. I woman that I admire a lot, and that I wish I knew one a more intimate level. Okay, yes she's seen my "who-hoo" and hell she's even cut me open. So I guess I do know her on an intimate level, but I wish I was friends with her. I wish I could just hang out with her and she could give me loads of information on parenting. I admire her. She asked me if I was going to breastfeed. I had already told the nurse probably not, but she asked me as well. Again, I said probably not. I remember her telling me something about ABC's....lol..and about how the baby already knows how to breastfeed and that I really should consider it. She kind of lectured me on the subject and tested my information on the subject. I realized I knew nothing, and that it was something I should do. I don't know what exactly made me change my mind, but at the point I decided to breastfeed.
A little over 2 weeks later Brenna was born via emergency c-section (that's another post). I remember the first time I fed her like it was yesterday. The nurse showed me how. And she latched on and it HURT. Every time I nursed her a nurse would have to be in the room because the latch was so messed up and because I was in so much pain. I remember one morning (probably the first morning we were home) I woke up so engorged I couldn't even latch her on. My Mom went to buy a breast pump so I could pump some milk, so Brenna could latch on. I remember sitting there crying holding my screaming child that I was unable to feed. I didn't know I could hand express the milk to relieve some pressure. The hospital had given us free formula, so I that's what I fed her. She gobbled it up, she was hungry. After that I struggled to breast feed her. She would literally "eat" all the time. She never latched well. I was in pain, my nipples were bleeding. So I started pumping all the time. I remember at my 1 week appt, Dr. Pagadala asked how breastfeeding was going. I told her I was pumping and giving her the milk. She said that won't last, its way to hard, you need to put the baby on the breast. I tried that night to put her on the breast. Again, the pain was unbearable. Dr. Pagadala was right. Pumping wouldn't last, I wouldn't trust my body, and the milk in the bottle after a pumping session would become less and less. The amount of formula Brenna was getting would become more and more. It was depressing, I had failed. She was only months old and I had already failed her.
Brenna thrived on formula, never had spit up issues, constipation, anything unusual. She's always been extremely smart, well above her age group. She continues to be very healthy and smart. I don't think formula harmed her at all. Although, I still have guilt. But as a parent I have guilt about a lot of things.
On to Collier. I knew he would breastfeed. I knew it would be successful. No bottles or formula was to be brought into our home. I didn't even have a pump the first 5 months. Why? Because that's where I went wrong with Brenna. Without a pump or formula, I had no choice to breastfeed Collier ALL the time. I breastfed him in public. It empowered me, I felt brave! We had a perfect breastfeeding relationship. His latch was perfect, I was never sore. Never. He was a pro. I had some issues with family. I remember my father in law telling me that your not suppose to put your tits in a baby's mouth. Yea...it bothered me. But we just kept nursing, ignoring rude comments...uneducated comments. When I started school back up Collier would start having a formula bottle her and there. I was fine with that. Since I had not pumped for the first 5 months, I had no back up milk, so that was the trade I had to make. Also, his sister was primarily Bf, and she is great. Slightly before a year he weaned. We didn't do self weaning, but I didn't cut him off cold turkey either. It was more of an "encouraged wean". However, when he started normal milk, he started have a slight "allergic reaction". The doctor advised us to put him on soy or lactose milk. At the same time we found out Brenna was lactose intolerant (she had some issues for a while that I finally put the pieces together). I'm sure if I would have BF him a little longer he would have probably had a better introduction to milk.
So there you have it my history with breastfeeding. I wouldn't say I'm a lactavist or anything like that. I would say that I'm a proud mother who made educated decisions about the health of my children. I have friends who have formula fed and who have breast fed, I don't think better of one group as opposed to the other one. What I do feel is anger and sadness that in today's society WOMEN...MOTHERS...are still making rude and hurtful comments about those who breastfeed. Now...I will say that I know some people who make rude and know it all comments about those who formula feed as well. But I guess those don't usually bother me as much. Like I previously said Brenna was primarily formula fed, and she's pretty much as close to perfect as you can get. And I'm not just saying that because she's my daughter. Socially and academically she is ahead of where she needs to be. Also, health wise she's just fine. So...formula did just fine for her. For some reason I guess I do get a little defensive when I see people make comments about breast feeding, and I think the reason is, is that I feel like their attacking my judgment and parenting skills. I feel like they're saying I'm harming my child. When in reality, I'm doing what is natural.
On FB I saw where a little mini debate that had started about breastfeeding. And some women were saying so many hurtful things. Why have women let society do this? Why have women let them feel like if they use their body for the natural intended things they are some kind of sicko and bad mother. Why? But some women (usually the same women who claim bf is inappropriate) are perfectly fine with teenage girls wearing inappropriate clothing, or have no problem with how the society has objectified women. Do we really need a celebrity list of who has the best lips, breasts, or legs?! What about if that time and energy was spent on actually educating young women about breastfeeding and child birth. What if we has women actually took pride in what our bodies can do. Women shouldn't feel ashamed at what we can do, and we certainly shouldn't hide the fact out in public. When I was trying to breast feed Brenna, I refused to feed her out in public. I would go and hide in a bathroom or car to breast feed her. Or I gave her pumped milk. The "best" part was when I left my screaming newborn with my mother in HyVee so I could run and hide and pump in the bathroom. Yes....I did that. I let society to that to me. Now with Collier that was NOT going to happen. I breastfed him in public and each time I became more and more confident in my skills. And luckily, I never got a rude comment or stare. Half the time I don't think people were even aware of what I was doing. The important thing is that I took a stand against our society. I put the people's feelings around me aside, and did what worked for my and my son. I'm hoping that more women will do that.
Oh....and one of my "favorite" comments I hear from women about breastfeeding is, "I don't know if I could do that. I'm just to uncomfortable, my breast are sexual." Really? I can assure you that anytime I fed my kids, the LAST thing I was thinking about was sex. I'm pretty sure that I along with other women, I was thinking about my child. I was thinking about how amazing my child was, I was soaking up the cuddling moments.
Oh..and another little story. When Collier was circumcised he wouldn't eat. A nurse actually brought in a bottle of formula for me give him. Really!? Because if he won't latch onto the breast, that means he's going to latch on to a piece of latex/silicone!?! Does that make sense? Luckily, I had done my research, and I knew it was completely normal for him to not eat after that. ( Would you want to eat after that?) I told my Mom where the nurse could hear me, that she better not even bring that formula over to my baby. And if she did I would throw it at her (give me a break I was in pain). The nurse was smart and left the room....lol. It's just ridiculous to me that she would do that. Actually it's idiotic, and sad since she was a member of the health care profession. Luckily, I had an amazing (and young) nurse who came in, and with her help and encouragement Collier started nursing a couple hours later. :-)
Well...that's my story. I hope I didn't offend any of my mom friends who have formula fed. Like I said I have no issues with it. I am a formula feeding mommy too. What I have issues with is ignorant people who make rude comments about a subject that they really have no business even talking about. And I have issues with the way society has OVER sexualized the female body, and because of that women are afraid, ashamed, and uncomfortable with breastfeeding. I hope in the future women will no longer allow that to happen.
